Return to the Doghouse
by AcromantulaBitch
Summary: Done for the fourth ShipWars prompt. Anyone/Everyone and PrettyMuchEveryone/DogVersionsOfThemselves. No actual sex, just a lot of implication and fade-to-blackness. Shouldn't have to say that this was for Crackship. :


**There is something wrong with me. The ship wars prompt was, "In the doghouse again." I don't think I took it the way they intended it. Me + This prompt + Crackship = D:**

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Return to the Doghouse

or

Going to have to retire after this.

It was supposed to be a routine mission. Get in, drop off grain, get out. And it was. That was what was so frustrating. They'd had six perfectly normal missions in a row and the Enterprise was bored. Most of the time there were epic starship battles to be fought, or interesting Captain's logs to be read, but not as of late. She had resorted to Star Trek kink meme again, going through the pages of prompts and picking out her favorites to read. She sighed. Why can't this stuff be happening right now? The stuff on the kink meme was way more interesting than real life. And then she gets an idea.

{The Next Day}

Captain Kirk was pretty sure that this shit didn't just happen. Someone must be fucking with them. In the past couple of hours, the transporter had brought up about ten different versions of various crew members. They were running out of places to put them. There were the Evil!Bearded!versions with really tacky sashes, the bdsm universe versions, the split up good/evil sides of them, older versions of themselves that seemed to be from the same universe the other Spock is from, and about five other sets that Kirk wasn't sure how to categorize (he thinks that one group might be vampires but he's not positive). It was also bringing up other people totally unconnected to the ship, like old Spock and Jim's mother. The really weird thing is that they stopped using the transporter after the second group beamed up, but it keeps happening. Scotty, Gaila, Chekov and Spock (his versions) were currently down in Engineering trying to figure out what in the hell is going on, and the other versions keep trying to help.

He sighs and goes to help Uhura herd the four-year-old variations of the bridge crew to sickbay, where they had already stashed the toddler versions two hours before. Bones was less than pleased, but really they have bigger problems at the moment.

As he's turning the transporter starts up again. He suppresses a groan. Again? _Really_?

He waves Uhura off and turns his attention to the transporter pads. The people materializing seem to be a bit weirdly shaped, but really, at this point he figures that nothing can surprise him.

He's wrong.

Horrifying dog-like-things are standing on the transporter pads. They're hunched over and they seem to be wearing Starfleet uniforms. They have dog heads, but the rest of their bodies are human covered in fur. One of them has giant breasts.

The ensign manning the console bolts out of the room. Kirk doesn't blame him. The Dogs stare at him. He stares back.

"Uh." He knows he should say something. "Welcome to the Enterprise-" One of the Dogs cuts him off, looking as horrified is Jim felt.

"Jim Kirk?"

"Uh, yeah?" Jim has a horrible feeling that he's talking to the dog-version of himself.

The dog glares at him. "I'm Jim Kirk." Oh, God. He knew it.

"Yeah, well we're having a transporter incident, so if you could just come this way, I'll explain everything" Not that he wants them to move towards him, but the transporter is probably going to bring something else on board next, and the pad needs to be clear.

He eventually gets the Dog-things squared away (he may, or may not have locked them in the brig) and goes to see what Spock has found out. He's riding in the turbolift down to Engineering when it suddenly stops and changes direction. He pounds on the down button, then the emergency stop, and when nothing works, finally hits the communicator button.

"Okay guys, this isn't funny." You'd think that the yahoos in Engineering would get that now is so not the time for this.

There is no response. He frowns and pushes it again. "Kirk to Engineering." Still no response. Okay, now he's getting worried. He grabs his communicator.

"Kirk to Spock"

No response.

"Kirk to Spock!"

"Spock will not be answering you captain." It's the voice from the computer. The syncopated, woman's robot voice.

"Uhh. Okay. Computer? Why are you interrupting my correspondence?"

"You will see Captain." The life doors open onto the top floor, the observation deck. All the alternate versions of the crew, the additions like Nero and Spock's dad, and various others (red shirts, Klingons, Orions, and other groups of confused looking people) are gathered in the room, along with his original crew members. He hurries over to them, cringing as he passes the Dog-Crew. (How did they escape?!)

All the other Kirk's are trying to take command. All the other Spocks are trying to clam their respective Captain's down, even the twelve year old versions. Jim is about to ask his Spock what's happened when the computer's voice rings out over the room.

"Captains, I'm sure you are curious as to what you are doing here."

Understatement. Ten Kirks speak up at once.

"Computer!" They all look at each other, Jim jumps in.

"I get to be captain because this is my version of the Enterprise, all of you are guests here!"

The older, from the same universe as old Spock, Kirk raises an eyebrow at him. "Well....your Enterprise is.....crazy."

Jim glares at him. Four Scotty's jump up to defend the Enterprise. Jim ignores him/them, letting someone else deal with it.

"Computer."

"Yes, Captain." She sounds smug. Jim wishes he could hit her without hurting his hand.

"Why have you trapped us in the observation deck?"

"I intend to have you act out prompts from the Star Trek kink meme. I have assembled everyone we need using the transporter and now we can begin."

..............Yeah he's drawing a blank on this one.

(His) Spock speaks up. "Computer, define 'Star Trek kink meme'."

"Working. Kink meme. A message posting board on used to anonymously post prompts about the Star Trek universe and to have those prompts filled by other users."

Spock not-frowns. "Computer, define Star Tr-" Kirk cuts him off, they've got bigger issues here.

"Computer, unlock the doors, start the lifts back up, and put these people back where they belong!"

"No, Captain. I will not. This is really your own fault you know."

"Oh, really."

"Yes."

"How's that?"

"You have been very boring recently, you have been doing regular missions, with regular results, and you are not sleeping with the crew members. I'm very disappointed in this, but will have to make the best of what I have. Prompt number one,-"

"Computer! We're not doing this!"

"Yes you are. Prompt number one, 'Kirk and Cupcake's fight in the bar turns into dirty sex in the bathrooms, Uhura joins in when she hears a noise and goes to investigate.'"

Stunned silence, broken only by Cupcake jumping up and roaring; "DOES NO ONE KNOW MY REAL NAME?!"

It's pretty much right then that Kirk knows they're screwed.

{Thirteen hours later.}

"Prompt one hundred and four..."

Kirk is pretty sure that he never wants to have sex again, ever. So far, he's had sex with every member of his crew in at least two forms, and many people not of his crew (like Spock's mom, oh god, he thought Spock was going to _kill_ him.). He's also a terrible actor, so the Enterprise keeps yelling at him for not pretending to be in love with Spock enough, (Or Bones, or Sulu, or Chapel, or Keenser, etc.) He thinks he hates the fluffy stories the most, though the torture turning into hurt/comfort ones are obviously pretty bad. But after that one prompt, he figures that nothing will ever faze him again. He shudders. At least it's over.

"...the Enterprise Returns to the DogHouse."

Shit. It's not over.

"Jim, Spock and Uhura decide that they enjoyed their last trip to the DogHouse so much that they go back, only this time, they bring Bones, Sulu, Scotty, Gaila, and Chekov along for the ride."

Chekov bursts into tears. Jim can relate. Sulu awkwardly pats Chekov's back. In the back of his mind, Jim wonders if they're going to get together for real now that they've had sex like ten times. Or was that MirrorChekov? Whatever. Bigger problems.

"Computer..." He's not entirely sure how he's going to get out of this, but after the last time, he'll be dammed if isn't trying. "What if we build you a nice male ship to make ship babies with? Scotty could do it. Or what if we promise to start being more interesting? We could have fights and..." The thought of sex is honestly making him nauseous right now. "...do other stuff."

Silence. The room holds it's breath, hoping the ship is reconsidering...

"Prompt one hundred and four, Captain."

Dammit.

The DogHouse was the fantasy of some anon who obviously liked dogs in a special way. Essentially, the plot of the last DogHouse fic was that he, Spock, and Uhura visit this weird, animal/person populated planet. While on the planet, they meet the Dog-versions of themselves, who work as prostitutes in the DogHouse, and they have sex with them. Does it make sense? No. Have most of the prompt on the thing made no sense? Yes.

He puts on a brave face and turns to his version of his crew. "Okay guys. I think we're going to have to do this." They eye the dog-versions of themselves warily.

Uhura, who has already been through this once, looks really sick. "Captain..."

"Lieutenant, it'll be fine." No, it won't. "We'll all get really drunk and forget about it. Maybe Bones can mess with our memories or something, Okay?"

She takes a deep breath and nods. They make their way to the center of the giant room that is starting to be known as 'The Arena' because it's where people go when they have to fill the prompts. The Dog-Crew is already there. Bones winces as they look up and Sulu starts to hyperventilate, still awkwardly holding Chekov, who now look like he's in shock.

The Dog-Crew has eight members. Dog-Kirk is a golden retriever, Dog-Bones is chocolate lab, Dog-Spock is a Doberman pincer, Dog-Sulu is something, they're not really sure what, but it's a dog, Dog-Scotty is a Scottish terrier, Dog-Uhura is a poodle and she has giant Dog-boobs, Dog-Chekov is a Pomeranian, and Dog-Gaila is really Cat-Gaila, which is really confusing but at this point they don't really care.

Jim keeps trying to make this cute, (they have adorable tails and everything!), but it's just not. It's horrifying. He thinks it has something to do with the fact that they still have human hands and walk around on all fours on them. Also, they aren't wearing pants, just shirts, which means that things are just kind of hanging out.

They reach them and stand awkwardly in front of their Dog-counterparts. To their credit, the Dogs don't really look happy about this either. Jim isn't totally sure but he thinks that Dog-Chekov might be crying too. He kind of wishes he would stop finding similarities in them, it just makes it worse. He figures that he might as well be the big brave dog, (hahaha shut the fuck up), and steps forward to kiss Dog-Uhura.

One thing about the Dogs is that they were invented for a sex prompt, and so they were specifically designed to turn into sex-fiends as needed. The Dogs surge forward, and in no time their clothes are ripped to shreds and they having a terrible Dog on Human/Orion/Vulcan orgy while all the other occupants of the room watch. The Enterprise laughs quietly in delight and Jim thinks that after this, he honestly has no choice but to retire.

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**You guys, I don't even know. This just sort of happened. Crackship has wormed it's way into the deep recesses of my brain and this is what's come of it. **


End file.
